Today we drove past Millie’s pre-school. It wasn’t an “inspired” educational experience, just a regular old pre-school, in my humble estimation – and while she attended the school she never seemed particularly attached to it.  Millie said, “There is my old school.” And 10 seconds later she was in tears.

I reached behind me to hold her hand.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She replied, “Yes. I miss my school. I miss my friends.”

She tried to console herself with this thought,

“I’m happy that the 3 year old class gets to be the four year old class now.”

Oh, Mills!

W H Y?

WHY, school?

Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, we are back to it. Both of us. Because although you go walk into that big, brick building by yourself. And even though you are literally locked inside and I can only get in if the lady at the front desk “buzzes” me in – my whole heart goes in there with you. And I am just trying my darnedest not to project my stupid issues onto you. And yet…

And yet I see many of them playing out.

It stinks to be a sensitive human being and have to go to ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. It just does!

But we are being positive and making the most of it.

And most days it really isn’t that bad, right?

Right?

Let us recall the happy times….

On Labor Day, at your request we made a “back to school cake”

There is more to this cake than meets the eye, just like you, dearest Mills.

Inside all of us, to some extent or another, is A NEON RAINBOW! The trouble with school is that much of the time all we get to see of people is the boring, brown frosting. That brown frosting is the PROTECTION we place around ourselves.  It takes guts to let people see that you have green, and purple, and blue pulsing in your veins.

As we (you, dad and me)  sat down to a slice of your “back to school cake” we talked over the goals for this year – some were regular and some were lofty. In the deepest part of me I just want you to shine – not be the best or better than others, just have the confidence to let the world know you have NEON going on, baby! Because I think that when we let our truest selves shine, we give permission to others to cast off the BROWN frosting and let their NEON out too!

The day I have been dreading for the past five years came.

It came.

And you did it, beautifully.

The first day of kindergarten.

You came home full of enthusiasm, and gusto and we sat down together to our new family tradition!

After School HIGH TEA!

I like to think of this as our “reconnection ritual”. The flowers were just a bonus because I was so stink’n proud of you.

Then as I tucked you into bed (an already established connection ritual) the tears came. They came hard and fast. You cried for 30 solid minutes. I stroked your hand and listened. You asked me, “Mom, can you say a prayer with me.” You cried through the words that I know went straight to heaven. Then you asked for a blessing. There was your dad – with all his steadiness and love – at your side. He blessed you with peace. Then as I lay down next to you, you came up with a plan:

“When I feel scared I will just tell the teacher and ask her if I can stand next to her until I feel better.”

And with that thought you were fast asleep.

In the morning I wondered how you would be and you were 100% ready to go to school.

As if you’d never even been afraid.

I’m not saying that I fully understand all of this.

I’m saying that I love you and am signed up for the ride…

…lets just hope that part of the ride takes place in a “hot, hot convertible!”

(forget about part – let’s go for broke – and hope that most of it is in the car of our dreams!)